Long-Distance Marriage: How Do We Make It Work.

A long-distance marriage is not an easy experience. Those whose spouse spends much of their time abroad on business know that well enough. The spouse that remains at home has a lot on his/her mind: How will I manage everything on my own? Who will help with the kids? And the most worrying thought of them all: what if my spouse will have an affair while abroad?

The separation period is definitely not easy. But a couple CAN survive it, and come out with a strong, loving relationship. Here are a few tips that will help you keep the spark alive.

Stick to Business.

Remember, what you have here is business travel. Yes, a change in the everyday routine, living in a hotel and eating out instead of the usual soup and meatballs can make you feel like you’re on vacation, and it will certainly feel so at the beginning. However, anyone who spends much of their time traveling on company business would tell you otherwise. After months of constant traveling, the flights are not that fun anymore, but tiresome, and eating all alone, even in fancy restaurants, suddenly seems dull without your family. You won’t feel it right away, but you’ll get there. But if you’re not there yet, keep the trip as businesslike as possible. Don’t hang out in pubs and clubs (assuming you have the time for it) and remember there’s someone waiting for you back home.

Communicate.

Even when you’re away, there are many ways to spend quality time with your spouse and do things together. And they better be simple, everyday things that you usually to do together at home. But since you’re not at home, make sure you’re both available and “book ahead”. So here’s what you do. Review your schedules, and make plans for you and your spouse. Find time to watch a movie together, or eat dinner, (wine, virtual flowers and all) as if you were out on a date. By the way, you may as well call it a date, it’s more cool and romantic that way. You can talk on the phone or Skype while watching, making comments about the movie, or just have a casual conversation. Call home every night to wish the kids good night or at the morning, to wake your spouse.

However, you don’t have to plan everything ahead. Surprise each other once in a while with a phone call. To spice up your communication, use web cams or video phones. When will you ever have an opportunity for a video date? Remember, technology is your best friend. With Skype and other technological miracles, you don’t have to miss a birthday party, or Thanksgiving. You can almost be there with the ones you love. You can even have virtual sex with your spouse. Think of the possibilities.

Share Your Plans.

To keep the spark alive, your marriage should be a priority even when you’re on a business trip. Your spouse should be fully involved in your day routine and plans. It will help you feel more “together”. So talk about your plans. Share them with your spouse, even if they’re really minor. Tell them about the news at work, tell your kids about the culture and the people in the country you’re currently visiting, or talk about your future plans together.

Make the Most of Your Time Together.

The spouse at home might be tempted to save up chores, frustrations and problems for the returning spouse. Don’t do it! The time you spend together is too precious, so use it well. If the returning spouse has been away all week, they shouldn’t spend their few hours at home with friends or with other activities that keep you away from the family. Find a balance between the must-do activities and time together. Go out on a date. Go out camping with the kids. Spend a quiet evening at home. Whatever makes you happy, make the most of your time together.

A long-distance marriage can be a tough experience. The spouse at home remains with all the chores, worries and loneliness while the traveling spouse has to cope with tiresome flights and various temptations abroad. But it can make your marriage stronger if both want it hard enough. When we must take an effort to communicate and spend time with the ones we love, we might not take them for granted as we might have done before. We might appreciate what we have a bit more.

Saving Your Marriage – Peace At Every Cost?

During the course of my work, I receive copious mails from men and women, requesting my advice regarding their marriages. Some complain about an unfaithful husband or wife, others say their partners don’t care for sex anymore. Naturally, all of them feel bad and want to solve their issues. Surprisingly enough, no matter how bad the situation is, none of them mentions the possibility of a divorce.

In some cases, when it seems that a relationship is beyond repair, I carefully offer to consider the possibility of a separation. In some cases, I talk about a trial separation. Sometimes, about a divorce. And the reactions I get are amazing. One woman actually thanked me for saying what she was afraid to think about. Another wrote that the marriage advisor she was seeing insisted that to solve their problems, she and her husband must stay together, and said my answer was refreshing to hear. It seemed as though they were waiting for someone to tell them what they were afraid to think about themselves.

Not all couples make it through. Some marriages inevitably fail, and no one knows better than you whether yours is worth saving. Eventually, it’s all about whether you feel good in this relationship, but as time passes, many tend to forget what that means.

Why do we want to be in a relationship? Why do we feel the need to be with someone? Because something in a person makes us feel really good and comfortable. We feel good about being with them. Moreover, we feel good about ourselves while being with them. We need the love, the support and the feeling of security they give us. But if a relationship doesn’t give us all that, we should ask ourselves why we’re here in the first place.

Nobody wants to think about divorce. It means leaving behind the life we know and the person that shared our days, nights and dreams for years. It means exchanging the familiar routine for the unknown, and starting a new life all by yourself. Will you ever find love again? Some couples have the financial issue to consider. Not everybody are economically independent, and this is a thing to bear in mind if you think about separating. Besides, there are the kids. How will your divorce affect them, and their future lives?

Staying together for the kids is not a solution. If this is what you’re doing, you better think twice. An unhappy couple can never raise a happy child. Growing up in a stressed, gloomy atmosphere can cause a child more damage than a divorce. I would know, being raised in this atmosphere.

Regarding the financial issue, each couple has its circumstances and there are many possible ways to cope. There are numerous financial services and divorce analysts that offer divorce financial planning and can help you get a decent divorce settlement.

As for getting a second chance, you have every chance to have one. Many find love again. Some remarry, others live together. Couples with children from previous marriages give birth to children of their own. There is life after divorce. There’s no reason why you should not have one. And if you choose this course after all, there’s no reason for you to cope will everything on your own. Consult divorce planning services, many of which you can find on the web. You’ll be surprised to know how much these offer- starting with financial advice and ending with emotional support.

My Spouse Hates Me – What To Do

Many would, at point or another, have considered the possibility that their spouse no longer loves them. He or she is no longer as loving, caring and attentive as they used to be, never initiates sex and though he/she claims that everything is fine, the other side often feel ignored and can only think of one reason for the change: My husband/wife doesn’t love me anymore. And then comes this unbelievable “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”, and you feel like your life is over.

To be sure, that’s exactly what happens in many marriages. Routine is the biggest enemy of every relationship. After many years together, we get used to our spouse and our feelings change. Many cannot accept this change and feel depressed. For some, it is harder to accept the fact that their feelings for their spouse have changed than to know that their spouse doesn’t love them. Others adjust themselves to what is now “the new normal” state of affairs, that is, less sex and affection, and never notice that their partner is becoming more and more distant until it’s too late . Why, many couples enjoy a fairly stable, affair-less and affection-less marriage, quietly falling apart without even noticing it. Let’s make something clear: If your partner doesn’t have an affair, it still doesn’t mean everything’s great. Imagine a couple that lived together 12 years without sex. Committed they may be, but is this what we call a healthy marriage? Many feel shocked when discovering that their spouse leads an affair (sexual or emotional), and seek counseling, but In this case, as in many others, sexual infidelity is strongly overrated. Not that it should be ignored, but it is often a symptom for one of the spouses being profoundly unhappy in marriage. In other words, the above mentioned spouse should have considered counseling much earlier, and the couple may have spared themselves much emotional pain.

How can you tell that your spouse is actually unhappy? Look for the symptoms. Do you feel as if your partner initiates fights, and it looks like he or she is looking for reasons to lash out at you even if you have done nothing wrong? Keeps finding reasons to spend time away from you? Often depressed or annoyed? Deteriorating sex life can be both a symptom and a reason for the situation, so if this is the case, ask yourself what was there first: that, or your spouse’s bad moods.

All of the above doesn’t mean that your spouse actually doesn’t love you. More likely, he /she is tired of the routine, the responsibilities and the never changing everyday shores and tasks, or simply experiencing a midlife crisis.

I’m not a big fan of “powerful techniques that will make him/her fall in love with you again”. If one of the spouses doesn’t really wants this marriage, it may eventually fall apart no matter the techniques and magical strategies. But if your spouse doesn’t talk about divorce, he/she is probably still wants this marriage, which means you definitely got a chance to fix it.

For a start, put yourself in your spouse’s position. What would you like? Would you like “to work on your relationship”, “talk about it” and “solve our issues”? Or, maybe, you’d prefer some space, an opportunity to put all the issues aside for a while? For some, it could be a long vacation. Others may need a more profound change in life, such as a career change. If you think you know what your spouse would like to change in his/her life, consider offering him/her that.

A relaxed atmosphere at home is extremely important. Resist the temptation to constantly ask your spouse what’s wrong, propose to “talk about it”, talk in an apologizing tone or generally tread on eggshells around your spouse. That is not to say that you should act indifferently or pretend you don’t see your spouse’s bad mood or care about it. Believe it or not, your attitude and behavior have an influence, even if your spouse is not aware of it, and it better be a calm and reassuring one. Find a not-too-clingy way to express your support and understanding, You may not feel like it at all, thinking that you are the one who is ought to be comforted at the present, but your spouse is probably troubled with his/her emotional state as much as you are. So even though it’s natural to feel offended and angry, try to find the inner strength to feel compassion for your spouse as well.

Live your life, and keep an eye on your spouse. If you don’t see a positive change in his/her emotional state, consider asking your spouse to go to counseling. Those who don’t like the idea of confiding to a stranger can go with guides or virtual counseling. Above all, give each other love and space. Both work miracles.

Surviving Infidelity

A spouse’s infidelity is one of the most painful experiences ever. Unfortunately, more than 50% of all spouses are victims of unfaithfulness, which means that one spouse in most marriages will suffer the greatest pain possible at some time

It will take more than an article – or even a mountain of books – to discuss the task of surviving infidelity, or to cover even a small part of the issues that arise from this painful situation. But we need something to begin with. This article was written both for those who suffered an affair and those who have or had an affair themselves.

Most people cannot imagine having a normal marriage after an affair. After discovering that their spouse was unfaithful, the first reaction of most people is to get a divorce (or kill their spouse, more like).

Should I Get A Divorce?

A divorce is certainly a legitimate way to deal with the situation. The betrayed spouse has every right to decide that this relationship is over. The cheating spouse may choose to live with the lover, and if the reason for infidelity was suffering abuse on the hands of the betrayed spouse, this decision is easy to understand.

But, believe it or not, most affairs do not lead to divorce. In fact, most couples make efforts to reconcile, and often succeed. Your marriage can survive an affair. Healing from infidelity is hard work – both must be committed to reviving the relationship and rebuilding the lost feelings of love and trust.

Avoid Seeing Your Lover

For a start, the cheating wife/husband must promise to stop the affair and sever all contacts with the lover right away. How can you restore the love to your spouse when the lover is still hanging around? All meetings, phone calls and forum chats must stop. If you and your former lover work in the same place, keep your encounters strictly formal.

In addition, the cheating spouse must express a plan to demonstrate his or her commitment to the promise to stop the affair. If your ex- lover contacts you or if you bump into each other on the street, you better tell your spouse about it before they find out about in from someone else. I believe you already know that constant lying is extremely tiresome. This is the time to start being honest with your spouse.

The cheating spouse might find that the first few weeks of separation from the lover can be very painful. It’s like an addiction, and separation has led to a compulsive craving accompanied by anxiety and depression. However, if you stick to your decision not to communicate with your lover, those feelings will gradually subside. It might take a few weeks, but it’s absolutely necessary to stick to your decision if you want to revive your feelings for your spouse and repair your marriage.

Take Responsibility and Apologize

Unfortunately, most affairs do not end with the cheating spouse’s choice to end the relationship with their lover. That’s why the recovery stage usually begins with much bitterness from both sides. Strange as it may seem, it’s very common that the cheating spouse doesn’t feel remorse at all. And it’s also very common for the betrayed spouse to feel that it wasn’t his or her fault. Neither is ready to take responsibility and apologize, preferring to blame the other side.

Of course, an apology is not really necessary. But it can certainly make the process of rebuilding your relationship much easier. The unfaithful spouse should apologize for the infidelity and lying. The betrayed spouse should also apologize for having failed to meet important emotional needs, which might has led to the affair.

Talk About Your Marriage

But in many cases, the blame for not meeting each other’s needs prior to the affair lies with both spouses, so that the relationship is mutually unsatisfying. Many have no idea what their partner expects from them and their relationship and how to meet each other’s emotional needs. Each of the spouses should talk about his or her feelings, and to explain what was missing in the relationship from their point of view. You should know what went wrong before repairing it, right? But try not to make accusative speeches. Speak in a sincere, calm tone. And if you can, try to maintain physical contact. It’s much harder to throw accusations and insults at a person while you’re hugging them. Can’t possibly think of hugging this person right now? That’s understandable. Try to sit as close as possible to each other. Don’t talk in a formal-like environment, like sitting on the opposite sides of the table. Sit cozily together on a couch. These details might sound silly, but believe me, they help to create the atmosphere considerably.

Don’t Dwell on Past Mistakes

After apologizing to each other, both should concentrate on the task of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of the past. Once you decided to give the relationship one more chance, both spouses should take responsibility for the task and make every effort to rebuild the marriage. Trying to make the unfaithful spouse feel guilty won’t help your marriage. Guilt will turn to resentment and resentment will turn to anger. The best thing both can do is to ignore the past as much as possible, and focus on what you can do to repair the damage.

So the first and crucial step a couple should take is to lay down the weapons. The second step for both spouses is to “compensate” each other by meeting each other’s unmet emotional or physical needs that may have given the unfaithful spouse an excuse to have an affair. Of course, nothing can really compensate for infidelity. But it’s much more logical to forgive your spouse after he or she makes an effort to rebuild your marriage.

Spend Time With Your Spouse

The couple should spend time together every week (without family or friends), whether going out or doing things together at home, like cooking together.  You probably don’t feel like you want to be together right now. However, it is crucial for both to get to know each other from anew and to listen to each other. So when together, both should avoid expressing anger and demands. Try treating each other with gentleness and consideration. Simply be together.

Talking About the Affair

Another important issue is talking about the details of the affair. It is natural for the betrayed spouse to want to know the details. It is also natural to hesitate to ask for those details, because hearing about it might make us feel even worse. So, should the spouses talk about the affair?

Many marriage specialists are of the opinion that they should, claiming that couples that “talk about it” have more chances to successfully rebuild their relationship and the trust between them. There’s much truth in that. But in reality, we are all different. While some might be strong enough to hear the bitter details, others need some more time to heal. Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a well-known marriage specialist, believes that it won’t do any good trying to speed up the process of healing by forcing the details of the affair from your spouse and ignoring your resentment.  The unfaithful spouse might find it difficult to speak about it too, by the way, fearing the reaction, and not wanting to give the betrayed spouse another chance to make him/her feel guilty again.

It doesn’t mean that the couple should act as if nothing happened. Both may agree not to talk about it for the moment until both are ready. Take your time, and when you feel you’re ready, try to talk about it and see how it goes. And you don’t have to talk about everything right now. You can discuss a bit now, and a bit more later. It is a big thing to digest.

Reviving Your Sex-Life

Now, let’s say a few words about the intimacy issue. Rekindling the sexual passion between the spouses might take a while. Imagining your spouse with his or her lover is unbearable, and many torment themselves wondering whether their spouse compares their body and sexual performances with those of the former lover. Who can make love feeling like that?!

It might take about half a year after the affair for desire to return. The unfaithful spouse shouldn’t expect much from their partner sexually. Show some consideration and give them a chance to overcome their negative feelings.

Overcoming Resentment

Even if you truly and sincerely forgave your spouse and rebuilt your relationship, resentment often lingers on. A blow is that is hard to forget, and many find that the memory of the affair haunts them decades after it happened.

Resentment is a normal reaction. A betrayed spouse has to deal with the unbearable memories of the pain and the lies. However, when there is no longer danger for another affair and the marriage was successfully rebuilt, this reaction might ruin the reconciliation.

We cannot actually forget what happened. But we can overcome the resentment. It fades over time as long as nothing similar happens and both spouses learn to build a physically and emotionally satisfying relationship.

Summary

Let’s sum this up. The most crucial factor in successfully rebuilding marriage after an affair is actually the same factor that enables couples to maintain a stable relationship in ordinary circumstances: both should want this to happen and be ready to work for it. Each has a right to decide that he or she is not interested to make this effort, but once both decide they want to give themselves once more chance despite all that had happened, it is a mutual responsibility to do whatever they can to help each other heal, and to create a warm, satisfying relationship that will make both of you think twice before endangering it in any way in the future.

As I mentioned in the beginning of the article, it will take more than a few books to cover this issue. If you feel like you need a step-by-step guidance, Dr. Gunzburg’s 3-phase system is a good place to start.

Fighting in Marriage

For many of us, it might take a while to grasp the simple fact that a fight, even a serious one, will probably not cause your marriage or relationship to fall apart. I know it took me quite a while to stop saying “that’s it, nothing will come out of this relationship” every time we had a go at each other.

Fighting and screaming matches do not necessarily mean that your marriage is not going to last, says Dr. John Gottman in his book on principles for a successful marriage. Remember one simple thing: EVERYBODY fight, and some of the loudest couples are also the most stable ones. So if you think you can stop fighting completely, you better think again.

Still, we don’t want to fight all the time. So if you feel that there’s a bit too much fighting going on in your relationship, or that you keep feeling bitter after arguing, it’s time to ask yourself two questions: First, what are the issues you keep fighting over. Second, how do you fight. I’ll start with the first question.

Let’s take for example a very common cause for fighting – domestic issues like leaving the dirty dishes in the living room or insisting that your partner accompany you to a movie which you really don’t want to watch. It sounds silly now, but it’s not really about the dishes, is it? It’s deeper than that, says Dr. Gottman. We’re actually mad because we feel like we’re treated like maids in our own house. As for the movie, all we want is a spouse who shares some of our interests. What’s the big deal?!

To start with the dishes, well, nobody’s perfect. Some of us leave dirty dishes, other forget their dirty socks in conspicuous places, and it’s sure unpleasant, but it’s actually trifles, and the one million dollar question is, is it worth spoiling your relationship over it?

As for the movie, well, we’re all different. Even if we love each other, we don’t have to share each other’s tastes. Respect that, and your partner will respect you back. There must be something besides movies and books that binds you together. Keep that flame alive.

So here are some basic tips to encourage constructive and fair fighting:

Avoid being defensive or throwing accusations. I know it looks like the best way to prove your right, and you might even succeed, but at what cost? Ask yourself what’s more important: proving you’re right, or your marriage. Instead, ask your partner to explain why he/she feels that way. Hear him/her out without interrupting. Then, explain how you see things, without, teasing, or name-calling.

Find the strength to admit that what you said or did set your partner off. Admitting you were wrong is a very important move and will surely help to calm your partner. Just make sure you mean it.

You don’t need to settle everything right now. Going to sleep angry is really stressing (personal experience), but if you see that you keep arguing but can’t settle the issue, take a break and sleep over it. It may look a bit forced, but sometimes, cooling off a bit helps and things look different in the morning.

Negotiate and compromise. For example, if you can’t agree whether to spend your summer in Spain or in France, you can either spend half of it in Spain and the other half in France, or spend this summer in Spain, and the next one in France. Sounds like a fine compromise to me, but if you have better ideas, by all means, go ahead and propose them to your partner.

I can’t stress enough the importance of touching. Instead of creating a physical distance between you and your partner when you’re fighting (amazing how 50 cm of thin air can seem like a solid brick wall), come over to your partner and just give him/her a hug. Continue explaining yourself the whole time. Don’t feel like it right now? That’s understandable, but it’s worth overcoming your anger at this point. You might be amazed at the sweet results.

Knowing how to argue, what to say and HOW to say it is an art by itself, and not many of us are born with the intuitive knowledge of how to do it. Many relationship experts, including Susie and Otto Collins, devote a chapter to the issue. If you think that your fighting skills are in need of polishing, that’s a good place to start.

Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – A Personal Story

There’s nothing better than personal experience. Let me tell you about mine.

The first few days after my boyfriend split with me were hell. I couldn’t think of nothing else, and felt like I walking inside a black cloud.

When I was able to calm myself a bit, I began thinking about the situation, trying to analyze it, asking myself what went wrong.

Was it simply because his feelings changed? Was I too clingy or maybe I was taking his feelings for granted? Maybe I’m not sexy enough for him anymore?

I decided that I want to try to get my ex boyfriend back. So what if I fail? At least I’ll know I tried.

But how do I start? In those first awful days, I had to physically restrain myself from calling him, from begging to give our relationship just one more chance. Pride stopped me. I cringed thinking  how pathetic and clingy I’d sound, and that right now, whining would probably bring the opposite result – I’ll just push him away. It will definitely not make me more attractive to him.

Luckily or not, me and my ex had common friends. And so, about a week after we split, I went out with them and found myself face to face with my ex-boyfriend. Since one of my friends warned me he’d be there a few days ahead, it wasn’t a shock. I dreaded the encounter though, and ran scenarios in my head, imagining how I’d act and what I’d say. Some decisions were made, and though it was really hard to stick to them, I never regretted it.  But boy, what a tough evening that was.

Don’t overdress, don’t be overly nice and agreeable, I kept saying to myself, don’t giggle like a silly girl, don’t stare but don’t avoid eye-contact. Say hello, show that you’re glad to see him, but don’t waggle your tail, for Christ’s sake. Play it cool, and what’s more important, play it calm. Show him that you’re simply enjoying a night out with friends, but don’t be too demonstrative.

It was like walking on a tightrope, and I did slip from time to time. The hardest thing to do, actually, was not to flirt with other guys around, and there were some nice guys around. My ex, I noticed, didn’t restrain himself, and it was annoying as hell. But I figured out that that’s why he was doing that. He was trying to annoy me and show me that life goes on. Still, I decided to stay available for a while. Just in case.

Pride is something you shouldn’t underestimate, as it turned out. I stuck to this behavior for a month or more. Living my life. Using every opportunity to demonstrate that I’m calm and happy, whether when stumbling into my ex when meeting with common friends or via appropriate statuses on social networks. Most of the time I was depressed, because he seemed as calm and as happy as I was trying to seem, and since it looked natural, I couldn’t know if he’s acting or really moved on. I didn’t want to dwell in illusions and was starting to think I’ being pathetic and I should really move on too. But in the end, it paid off.

After two months or so, I couldn’t help but notice how friendly my ex seemed when we happened to meet. He looked genuinely happy to see me. I refused to believe it and surrender so easily, but I was afraid to lose my opportunity if I behave. So I decided to act friendly too, and not to push him away. And then, one day he approached me (very timidly I must say) and asked if I’d like to get together some time. It took me all the strength I had not to look too pleased with myself or to jump up and down.. I figured it’d spoil the moment, so I just said I’d like that, and gave him a friendly smile. We were together again in no time.

So I guess you understand how it works now. The tips are all there: what to do, how you should behave, what mistakes you should avoid to get your ex boyfriend back. For more detailed tactics, take a look at this guide, very down-to-earth and simple.

Sexless Marriage: What To Do.

Marriage does not necessarily kill the spark in your sex life. The happiest couple I know has been married for thirty years, and not only they still have great sex, but they also kiss in public. As for statistics, an American nationally representative survey found that married couples have more sex and enjoy it more.

However, most studies find that the frequency of marital sex declines sharply during the first year of marriage, with a slow but steady decline thereafter. Let’s see some numbers from the survey: 13% of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 46% reported a few times per month, 34% reported 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported 4 or more times per week. About 15% of couples in the U.S. alone live in a sexless relationship, that is, when sexual activity occurs ten times or less in a year. A sexless marriage is more likely to end in divorce, or what’s worse, in complete indifference for the situation. You’ll be surprised how many couples “survive” without sex, claiming that “sex isn’t what matters in marriage”. And while such marriage may last many years, thus earning the coveted title “a stable marriage”, such couples miss quite a lot.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most important things that binds partners together. It makes us feel attractive and loved, emotionally closer to our beloved person, relieves stress and ensures a good night sleep.

There are quite a few reasons why your husband/wife doesn’t want sex anymore, and I’ll only mention the most common: Fatigue, boredom resulting from routine sex practices or when your partner’s body no longer excites you as it used to do, one of the partners (or both, mind) is gaining weight, emotional problems between the two of you, unresolved differences in attitude toward sex, a medical condition or a past affair led by one of the partners. Age may also be a factor, but many couples in their late 70’s continue to have regular sex, leaving much younger competitors behind.

Fixing a Sexless Marriage

Sex is the most delicate marital issue of them all. Each couple has its problems that may seem unique and difficult to solve, and every suggestion might trigger a bitter “easy for you to say”.

It’s definitely not easy, but since you’re reading this article, you probably want me to suggest some solutions, so here we go.

Rekindling the passion is more than possible. Exercising to be fit and feel good about your looks won’t hurt anyone. Neither will romantic dating, candles, wine and all. But there’s more to it than that, doesn’t it.

To do that, the previously mentioned happy husband says, the first thing you should do is empty your head of all the love movies you’ve ever seen. Marital sex-life as depicted there is mostly fiction. Just for example, scheduled sex is not a joke. It’s FINE, and some say, extremely arousing. And if you miss the old spontaneity in your sex life, think how much spontaneity you need to schedule sex without being embarrassed.

So, the first lesson is: Don’t hesitate to suggest sex to your partner. Just say you really want him/her right now, pretty please. A hug, a smile, or any other natural sign of affection won’t be bad either. Anxiety and thoughts like what-if-he/she-doesn’t-love-me-anymore-or/and-having-an-affair won’t help. It’s hard, but try not to let those fears affect your relationship, because it will only add to the stress. He/she probably still loves you, by the way.

You shouldn’t fall into the second extreme and become indifferent to the whole situation. Neither should you expect things to fix themselves. Affection and Being Natural are going to be your keywords for a while.

When in bed together, try new things. Even if it feels awkward at first. Propose some new way to make love or just surprise your partner.

Sex is not supposed to be an obligation. Don’t force yourself to have sex when you’re tired “because we haven’t done it for a while”. Better wait another day, but stay awake in the process, and enjoy yourself more.

Get some help if you feel you’d like some moral support. A sound advice won’t do no harm. If you don’t like the idea of marriage counseling, look for virtual help on the web. Good luck!

Trial Separation: Will It Save Your Marriage?

I personally knew a couple that was about to get married after four years together. But shortly before the wedding, the girl suddenly panicked. Her fiancé was her first man, and she was afraid that she haven’t experienced enough in life and won’t be able to fully commit herself to one man. Their relationship started to deteriorate and not wanting to lose her, the boyfriend, (not the girl!) offered a timeout. They agreed on a separation period. Today, they’re happily married.

A trial separation is not an easy experience and a hard decision to make, but it helped some couples to save their marriage. If your relationship is in trouble, then this is an option that you and your partner should consider, whether you’re married or just in a relationship.

A trial separation gives both partners some time and space to think about their marital issues without the constant stress and fighting at home. However, many are afraid that a trial separation might finally draw them apart. Some think that when their partner offers a trial separation, he/she is just looking for an excuse to get away but is too afraid to ask for a divorce. And indeed, it might so happen that during the separation period, one of the partners or both may realize that divorce is the right thing to do and what’s more, they may appreciate the freedom and see that divorce isn’t as frightening as it seemed before the separation.

There are, of course, some cons in a trial separation that you should consider. Children might find it hard to cope with their parents’ separation. The kids’ reaction might add to the already existing strain, so you and your spouse should decide how to break the news to them together, in the most considerate way possible.

If you decide to give a trial separation a try, there are several things you should remember:

  • The decision should be mutual.
  • The partners should carefully plan the separation period together, for example, decide who will take the kids and when the other parent can visit them.
  • You and your partner should be aware of the two possible outcomes of this experience

A marriage trial separation is not an omnipotent solution that will work for every couple. Every marriage has its issues, and every couple should pick a method that suits both parties. But this option has helped many couples to rebuild their relationships. Amy Waterman’s guide is a good place to learn more about planning a trial separation and decide whether this method suits you.

Happy Marriage

Being into marriage counseling, I cannot avoid reading relevant material when browsing the net. There’s quite a lot of marriage tips out there, coming in articles, books and forum discussions, and while some of this material may be fairly reasonable, most just doesn’t do the trick. Many of those tips are too general, and fast solutions, just like fast food, may look well but won’t do us no good. Recently, I stumbled upon some very favorable reviews of a book called “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. The author of the book is Dr. John Gottman of Gottman Institute, who, after years of careful relationship research, decided to share his findings with the public. I admit I was interested by the enthusiastic reviews, and since the book wasn’t at all expensive, I decided to see what is was worth.

The first thing that impressed me was that, as I already said, it was based on serious research, mainly an experiment that involved observing the interaction of many couples. The purpose of this experiment was to understand what makes a long-lasting marriage and how can one predict a divorce by checking how partners treated each other. Well, it turns out that we can learn what you shouldn’t say in an argument with your spouse, what behavior might cause a divorce and how to make up. The book is a practical, down to earth guide that every marriage, even a happy one, can benefit from.

The thing that impressed me even more was the picture of a stable marriage as described by Dr. Gottman. It was quite different from the one we usually imagine or read in various marriage literature. Screaming matches and occasional bad sex happen, stresses Dr. Gottman, and it’s natural. You might think that that’s no big surprise, but these facts are generally overlooked in marriage tips, that usually concentrate on how to overcome those problems – smooth over arguments more quickly or better to avoid them, achieve great sex, etc. It’s not that I’d prefer bad sex to a good one, but we’re all human, and we all have our bad days. That alone will not cause a marriage to fail, and to my opinion, it’s important to legitimize those routine problems by pointing them out, so that some of us wouldn’t think they’re heading for divorce just because they occasionally fight with their spouse.

Marriage After Baby

Even the happiest couples might find it hard to maintain a happy marriage after having their first baby. It’s an overwhelming experience, and no guide or course will ever have you fully prepared for it. Suddenly, you have no time for yourself, there’s no time for sex after pregnancy, you never get enough sleep and generally feel ready to kill, if not to drop dead yourself. So much for the perfect family portrait.

A tired, frustrated parent often has a go at his or her spouse, and the relationship might suffer. So what’s the solution for young parents?

First of all, it’s OK to feel completely bewildered. Nobody is born a parent, and balancing between parenting responsibilities and the rest of your life isn’t easy, especially for “beginners”. The good news are, that you are not alone in this boat, so there’s plenty that you and your spouse can do to make things easy for yourselves.

Let’s start with the basics. Share responsibilities. Support each other. It doesn’t take a mathematician to know that two are more than one. Remember that when caring for your baby. That’s the whole fun in it: what you’re doing is creating your first memories with your first child. You don’t want to miss that.

Take some time off parenting responsibilities. The baby will sure demand 120% of your time and energy, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve a break. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. We all need to recharge our batteries from time to time. So make an effort to spend some quality time with your spouse, leaving your baby with relatives or a babysitter.

Oh, and no, you don’t have to take your child with you every time you go out. It’s OK to choose sleep over sex. When you’re awake around the clock, it’s perfectly natural not to be that interested. Right now, it’s important for both of you to get some sleep, and your sex life will get back to normal after a while. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with simply falling asleep in each other’s arms, holding your first baby.

You’ll find some detailed tips and strategies on this subject can be found in John Gottman’s “The Relationship Cure: 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships”, based on years of research and clinical experience.

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