How to Fall Back in Love

Marriage is a long-term commitment and responsibility. That can be stressing enough even for a very loving husband and wife. The routine of marriage can be disastrous for many couples who don’t know how to enjoy it, and therefore can’t avoid sinking into boredom.

However, it’s more than possible to make your partner to fall in love with you again, and to fall in love yourself. Here are a few basic tips:

LIVE YOUR LIFE. Don’t put all your efforts into your partner and family alone. Make time for YOUR hobbies, plans and dreams, they are just as important. Be the exciting and interesting person your partner has once fallen in love with.

BE INDEPENDENT. For a marriage to succeed, the partners must be independent. It may sound bad, but I’ll say it nonetheless: Fake it till you make it. Don’t badger your partner with “you don’t love me anymore”s. Yes, I know it’s hard, but imagine how YOU would feel if your partner followed you around, whining. Love him or her you may, but it’s still annoying as hell, and will not make your partner respect you. Respect yourself. A needy, clingy person is not attractive. A free, energetic, independent individual is.

BREAK THE ROUTINE. Want to rediscover your romance and intimacy? Find the time to be together, just the two of you. Kids ( if you have any) are important, but the family won’t work without you and your spouse. And oh, don’t wait for your other half to initiate sex. Surprise your partner. Somehow, it always works.

GIVE WHAT YOU WANT TO GET. Sex isn’t the only thing you can initiate instead of complaining about not having it. Give your partner both the thrill and the warmth that you wish to get from him or her yourself. Trust me, you’ll be rewarded.

ASK FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. Counseling may prove not as scary as it might sound. As for those who prefer their help printed, you will find plenty of material on the web. The relationship expert Dr. Lee H. Baucom offers some sound advice, and it might be a good place to start.

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23 Responses to How to Fall Back in Love
  1. Timothy Martin Reply

    LIVE YOUR LIFE. that’s the most important phrase in this article! you only understand it after you experience a relationship with someone who has nothing to do except kissing all day. And the problem is, you never know it until you actually live with this person…

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      marriage Reply

      Timothy,

      This is, indeed, the most important lesson of all.

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  2. Madison Green Reply

    From what I know, it’s usually the women who are clingy. I guess that’s the way they bring us up…sad. But there’s NOTHING worse than a clingy man, and I’ve seen that, that’s totally pathetic..

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  3. Rachel Reply

    I came across your website a few days ago and have found your words to be comforting and inspiring. I have a question/advice I would love to hear back from you on, in how to start the process of reconnecting with your partner and get that love back? My husband and I have been married 8 years but recently I find myself in the place of I love him, but don’t feel in love with him, there’s a void. We have always been the perfect couple everyone has envied that communicate well, are open, honest & committed. My husbands job keeps him out of town a lot lately and as such I find we have lost all closeness, intimacy and even our sex life. I suppose just busy everyday life has been a contributing factor in the sense we are sometimes in that rat race rut of work, eat, sleep, repeat. For a couple that has never wavered it is devastating to lay next to my husband and be brought to tears & severe anxiety no longer feeling connected, intimate and loving. Almost like great room mates, but fallen out of love. We have gently talked about the issue and he simply adores me and worships the ground I walk on and he seems to feel things are fine. How do I restore the love, feeling in love, restore the loss of intimacy and move past the terrifying anxiety that my marriage is over. I have spent many a sleepless night and would love your advice and expertise!

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      marriage Reply

      Dear Rachel,

      I’m glad you found some comfort in my ideas, and I hope my answer will help. The process you are describing happens to many couples. It is also very common that the woman feels bad about the situation while her husband is quite happy with it. Let’s try to analyze the situation.

      First of all, take a deep breath. You feel that you have lost all intimacy, but it seems that you can still talk about it and express your feelings, while your husband is ready to listen. This is good. This means that you still have a good, strong connection and you can start working from there.

      You’ve been together for 8 years, and it is natural that your feelings and sex life undergo certain changes. You love him, but your heart doesn’t skip a beat every time you see him. You (and him) need to put more efforts to get aroused. Those changes are hard to accept, we want to stay in love forever, right?

      Natural it is, but it doesn’t mean it’s ok to become completely indifferent to your husband and to give up on your sex life. We want to do something about it.

      First, I must say that I think you still love your husband. The doubts you experience are feeding on your anxiety. Both of you should definitely work on your relationship, but the most important thing is a change in perception. First, try to understand that the fact that your feelings are “slowing down” is not a catastrophe. It definitely doesn’t mean that your marriage is over. But being the “perfect couple everyone has envied” has its price. You may not know it, but that way people see you affects how you see yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it. It’s a tough thing to explain, but I think that it’s partly the reason why you find it hard to accept the changes – how can it be, that us, the most perfect couple there is, is suddenly falling apart . I must add that I wasn’t sure I should write that, not being sure you would understand me correctly. In other words, even the most perfect couple has its ups and downs. Let me tell you about the perfect couple I know.

      In one of my articles, I think I mentioned a couple I know, who are 30 years together. They are good friends of mine, and the man talks freely about his sex life, proudly saying that he and his wife “found the secret”:) He says that a couple needs to give each other space. He also says that after years of marriage, to find the lost spontaneity, you have to put some efforts in your sex life first. And not only in your sex life, but in other aspects in your relationship as well. I’ll try to organize my advice:

      I understand that your husband’s work keeps him away. See if you can talk to him about it. As a partner of a workaholic, I know it can be tough, but try. See how it goes.

      Be the first to suggest sex. You may not feel like it, but do it. You don’t have to feel aroused right away. Don’t probe yourself with “why don’t I feel like I have before/why can’t I come” questions. If it didn’t go well this time, it will the next time. But you have to do it so it will.

      you may have noticed I’m not offering you and marriage guides,magic formulas or romantic weekends (nothing bad in good healthy romantic weekend of course). I can give you limited advice, since I never saw the two of you interact, and it is possible that I’m missing important details. But the most important piece of advice I can give you is this: You’re feeling confused at the moment, you’re not sure if you love your husband and are afraid that your marriage is over. Stop torturing yourself. with these questions. Take a deep breath. Calm down. You have no idea how your emotional state affects your feelings. I’ll say it again: Your doubts are feeding on your anxiety. You will understand what you really feel eventually, you don’t have to decide whether you love your husband right now. Work on your sex life, try to spend more time together, and understand that it is a gradual process. Your marriage is not over until you want it to be over.

      Feel free to write again if you have any more questions.

      Best Regards,
      Renata

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  4. Lisa Reply

    I have been married for 21 years (together 26, met him when i was 19). i love him dearly like a friend, roommate, brother and don’t feel “in love”. I have only been with one other man, sexually, prior to our marriage. i had a 10 day affair 1 1/2 years ago with a man who lives out of the country, and fell deeply in love with this man and continued to feel this way until just recently. He and I shared deep intimate emails the first 2 months that slowly faded away with time, but i have never shared that intimacy with anyone, not even my husband as he is not the greatest communicator. This affair identified to me the “connection” and “intimacy” i have been missing in my marriage and I am addicted to it like a drug and want it so desperately with my husband. We have been separated on and off this past 1 1/2 years due to his anger and acting severely depressed, needy, desperate, clingy. He has no friends, few hobbies, he works as a fireman but helps me in my workplace and gives me little space. He doesn’t understand why i need space. I don’t know how to work on my marriage with a man who has become so unattractive to me. i am constantly feeling sorry for him and give into seeing him. We have both been to multiple counseling sessions, read books, etc… I want him to work on what makes him feel good about himself and not make me his center. I feel like he is sabotaging the chance we have by his desperate repulsive behavior and i need any advice you can give me.

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      marriage Reply

      Dear Lisa,

      You mentioned that your husband became unattractive to you, and that you’re not in love anymore. I think the question here is not whether the two of you CAN work on your marriage, because it seems that none of you is interested in a separation in this stage, but whether you really want this. Ask yourself this: will you feel differently towards your husband if he changes his behavior patterns? Even if he does, he’lll hardly become “the greatest communicator” over night, if ever. Besides, feelings change over time, and no doubt the two of you have spent a long period of time together. It might be difficult to recognize the difference between loving but “not being in love”, and a situation where the feeling is really gone, especially since you’ve just had an emotional affair that showed you that things may be different. I wouldn’t take that affair as an indicator, however, since it’s easy to maintain an intimate connection over the web over a short period of time, but it’s much harder to maintain such intimacy over 20 years of marriage. Where are you standing right now? You’re ready to “work” on your marriage, but what is the reason for it? Is it love, or commitment? Do you really want this? If you do, you should prepare yourself to the possibility that your husband might need professional help (you mentioned depression and clingy behavior), not necessarily marriage counseling for both of you, but for him alone too, as well as all the support you are ready to give.

      Best Regards,
      Renata

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  5. karen Reply

    I remember myself in the first year after I gave birth to our first daughter… When my husband tried to convince me to go out I simply refused, because I couldn’t bear the thought that he’ll start crying and I won’t be there to calm him down. Now I know I should have been more attentive to my husband’s needs, and luckily, our marriage survived, but many women take it too far , even when the kids grow, feeling that they have to take them with them if they go out, not only to restaurants and malls but also to vacations..

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  6. ellen Reply

    I believe people need lots of courage to get married…with all the statistics. but when it works, it’s the best thing ever – when you know you have SOMEBODY back at home, who’ll always be there for you. Some only understand it when they’re old, and then it’s too late.

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  7. shannon Reply

    I read an article a few days ago, it was about marriage and sex in Japan.. It said that married couples there rarely even have sex, even young couples.. especially after having their first kid. It really surprised me, you know, after growing up on all those geisha stories..

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  8. Andrea Reply

    From my experience, it really helped when my husband was sent on a month-long business trip to China. When he was back, it was like we had a second honeymoon, the way he looked at me, they way he talked,,,everything:))

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  9. Shaheen Reply

    I think my wife has no love for me anymore, truly. But I will try do all of that.

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  10. Noya Reply

    People don’t understand anything! I think that my relationship with my husband only gets better and better. Yes, things change, but I’m still in love with him, really in love, not only “love him”, and I believe he feels the same. it’s been 5 years, and I know it will keep getting better!!!:)

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  11. Anat Weiss Reply

    That’s something that only women can understand, I believe. With men – i’s either they love the woman all their life or lose it somewhere along the way and are totally unable to understand the concept of working on a relationship and bringing back the love/

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  12. Cate Reply

    so true. I love my man more and more every year, and we’ve been together for 8 years now, I think it’s quite a lot.:)

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  13. lemonpie Reply

    That independency part is so important and many are just nt aware of it. Especially women, but I’ve seen many men too, who’re so dependant on their wife, and I don’t mean economically, of course.

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  14. V-13 Reply

    In your opinion, what things make a marriage last ?

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  15. pamela Reply

    Hello, been with my hubby for three years, and now starting to think he maybe loves me less – doesn’t touch me anymore as before – he used to just come and hug or kiss – less sex, too, would appreciate advice. thankxx

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      marriage Reply

      The process you described is something that happens to most couples after a period. IT doesn’t mean that your husband loves you less – just that the “honeymoon period” is over, at least for him. Can it be that you feel the same, but just don’t want to admit it? However, if you feel you need more signs of affection, by all means, tell that to your husband, just don’t turn into into a serious conversation. Act like you want him to act – if he doesn’t hug you, come and get the hug yourself. Initiate sex, too. See how you husband reacts. Good luck!

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  16. Botts Horner Reply

    Thank you for this post. I love my wife so much it hurts sometimes. I’m a former soldier and now a government worker on my fourth deployment (two to Iraq and now two to Afghanistan). I knew my wife and I had some marriage problems, but when we’re together, we’re usually very happy and we talk every single day. For years now, I’ve been slightly depressed; I’ve never thought I was to the point of needing counseling, but I can’t deny I likely suffer(ed) from PTSD following a year in Iraq in 2006. To further complicate things, I’ve been in a job I truly despise for the past two years and have constantly discussed with my wife how I wanted better things.

    This deployment I spent a lot of time saying I want to be a better husband and father when I get home (I have three little ones aged 5 to 8). My youngest just started kindergarten and my wife has finally had a chance to think of her own life outside of being a stay at home mom. I’ve been behind her 100% supporting anything she wants to do. I was so excited to get home and be with them… then two weeks from leaving, she writes to tell me she’s unhappy and wants a separation. I was dumbfounded and at a loss. I’m so devastated that I even started a blog where I decided to just get my frustrations with work and my shock at the revelation that my wife was so unhappy she wants to leave me.

    See, this whole time I thought my wife was my best friend and although we had issues, we still loved each other dearly and would find a way to make it work. But she thinks it’s too late for us, that she loves me, but now the way she should. We’ve had intimacy problems since we started having children that never got fixed…. even though we addressed it verbally multiple times (this was on both of us, not just one of us). We also communicate very differently and that has caused a lot of undo anger. But in all, we rarely fight, love to talk to each other, and are usually content just sitting with each other being ‘together.’ We love our children dearly and that has been a great bond.

    I don’t even know why I’m writing except to say this post is what I needed to hear. In all of this, which just happened a few days ago, I realized that I am unhappy too. I love her to death and want to work it out, but the truth is, I need to be happy first for her to love me. If I can figure that part out before our mandatory 1 year separation before divorce, there may be a chance she’ll love me for the man I used to be when we got married. I’m ready to change my life, get counseling, get right with God, and live the life I always wanted. I’ve also accepted that my wife and I may never be together again, but I haven’t given up hope on us.

    I only have one question — how often do trial separations (which is how we’re starting) actually succeed in the numerous stories you’ve heard? I don’t mean the stories where people get back together because it’s practical or best for the kids… but honest to God, someone fell out of love with their spouse and fell back in love again? Am I stupid for holding on to this though that my wife will desire me again the way she did when I was 25?

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      marriage Reply

      You’re very welcome, and deepest apologies for such a late reply.

      You’re asking for statistics. I admit I never looked for such information, because even though it CAN work, I believe that each couple has its own story – will it help if I give you a hundred stories of couples who were tired of the never ending routing of everyday life, when your story is so different? And it’s not an easy one. You had a rough time in the army and after, and your wife had a rough time staying at home alone with your three little ones.

      Can someone fall out of love and fall back in love? Well, maybe not int he way when you were 25 – you’re older now, you have children and a bag of memories, not all of which are pleasant. But some are.

      You sound like an emotionally intelligent, loving person. No, you’re not stupid for hoping to get together, but you got it right – you need to be happy first, and you are the one who has to change your life, if you can. The life you led didn’t leave much space for self-fulfillment or family life, or for solving intimacy and communication issues. If your financial situation allows, will you consider spending time with your little ones, if you’re not doing it already? Then, see how it goes. Maybe your wife will join you for a day out. There’s no magic solution, only time and patience. You want to do something about the situation, your wife obviously wants it too – you’re trying separation trial, aren’t you? That’s a start.

      Your blog is impressive – you found a way to express yourself. Too bad you don’t write too often but maybe ,you have more important issues to take care of right now?

      Hope you do, hope that helped.

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  17. Ro Reply

    I dont know what to do. I was with my partner for about 8 years. We two young children. I would say that most of the split was down to me by flirting with other women and not knowing/ dealing with certain issues I had. We have been split now for about 2 years. We have never got to see anyone for help or anything like that. She has said recently that she wants to see how things go, which she also said last year and then done a 360. I feel that we are still very attached, I spend time at the house and we text each other most days. She has said that she loves me but is not in love with me and wants things to just happen naturally. I sometimes ask myself why does she want me around so often and do things as a family. What can I do to restore my family?

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      marriage Reply

      Your partner seems to want the same thing you do – to restore your family, to understand whether whatever she still feels for you will be enough to try again. It seems you got a second chance. What cam you do? Be around. Do things as a family. It might not come as naturally as your partner wants it to be, at first, but it might help if she sees you doing your best, avoiding other women and working on the other issues you mentioned. There’s more to it that can be said in a few lines, much more, but it’s a start, and you’re welcome to write again. But do try.

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