Sexless Marriage

Marriage does not necessarily kill the spark in your sex life. The happiest couple I know has been married for thirty years, and not only they still have great sex, but they also kiss in public. As for statistics, an American nationally representative survey found that married couples have more sex and enjoy it more.

However, most studies find that the frequency of marital sex declines sharply during the first year of marriage, with a slow but steady decline thereafter. Let’s see some numbers from the survey: 13% of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 46% reported a few times per month, 34% reported 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported 4 or more times per week. About 15% of couples in the U.S. alone live in a sexless relationship, that is, when sexual activity occurs ten times or less in a year. A sexless marriage is more likely to end in divorce, or what’s worse, in complete indifference for the situation. You’ll be surprised how many couples “survive” without sex, claiming that “sex isn’t what matters in marriage”. And while such marriage may last many years, thus earning the coveted title “a stable marriage”, such couples miss quite a lot.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most important things that binds partners together. It makes us feel attractive and loved, emotionally closer to our beloved person, relieves stress and ensures a good night sleep.

There are quite a few reasons why your husband/wife doesn’t want sex anymore, and I’ll only mention the most common: Fatigue, boredom resulting from routine sex practices or when your partner’s body no longer excites you as it used to do, one of the partners (or both, mind) is gaining weight, emotional problems between the two of you, unresolved differences in attitude toward sex, a medical condition or a past affair led by one of the partners. Age may also be a factor, but many couples in their late 70’s continue to have regular sex, leaving much younger competitors behind.

Fixing a Sexless Marriage

Sex is the most delicate marital issue of them all. Each couple has its problems that may seem unique and difficult to solve, and every suggestion might trigger a bitter “easy for you to say”.

It’s definitely not easy, but since you’re reading this article, you probably want me to suggest some solutions, so here we go.

Rekindling the passion is more than possible. Exercising to be fit and feel good about your looks won’t hurt anyone. Neither will romantic dating, candles, wine and all. But there’s more to it than that, doesn’t it.

To do that, the previously mentioned happy husband says, the first thing you should do is empty your head of all the love movies you’ve ever seen. Marital sex-life as depicted there is mostly fiction. Just for example, scheduled sex is not a joke. It’s FINE, and some say, extremely arousing. And if you miss the old spontaneity in your sex life, think how much spontaneity you need to schedule sex without being embarrassed.

So, the first lesson is: Don’t hesitate to suggest sex to your partner. Just say you really want him/her right now, pretty please. A hug, a smile, or any other natural sign of affection won’t be bad either. Anxiety and thoughts like what-if-he/she-doesn’t-love-me-anymore-or/and-having-an-affair won’t help. It’s hard, but try not to let those fears affect your relationship, because it will only add to the stress. He/she probably still loves you, by the way.

You shouldn’t fall into the second extreme and become indifferent to the whole situation. Neither should you expect things to fix themselves. Affection and Being Natural are going to be your keywords for a while.

When in bed together, try new things. Even if it feels awkward at first. Propose some new way to make love or just surprise your partner.

Sex is not supposed to be an obligation. Don’t force yourself to have sex when you’re tired “because we haven’t done it for a while”. Better wait another day, but stay awake in the process, and enjoy yourself more.

Get some help if you feel you’d like some moral support. A sound advice won’t do no harm. If you don’t like the idea of marriage counseling, look for virtual help on the web. Good luck!

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21 Responses to Sexless Marriage
  1. Areej Reply

    Hi. I’m married for 3 years now with 2 boys but I feel I don’t love my husband, we have sex twice or 3 times per week but I can’t stand his personality I’m even starting to hate him I think. What should I do? I’m depressed from that I’m a dentist a very fun person bt I stopped being happy. Plz help me

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      marriage Reply

      Dear Areej,

      thank you for the question. Since it’s personal, you will receive my answer via email , titled Trouble Marriage – an answer to your comment. Please don’t hesitate to write back.

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  2. Dov Reply

    I actually like your post, really useful..

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  3. David Reply

    yo, if i didnt find this blog my wife wouldve killed me. I owe you my life lol awesome.

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  4. Debbie Reply

    men are pigs and i am sick of them all..mainly mine!

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    Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
  5. Paula Reply

    Thank you so much!

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  6. Eugene Reply

    I totally agree with you .

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  7. Genevieve Reply

    Break ups r hard and I’m not sure I can do that, i’m browsin the web lookin for info.. thanks.

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  8. inna Reply

    nice one :) :) :)

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  9. Kesha Gonzalez Reply

    agree..stable marriages can be really bad… look at my parents;)

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  10. Evelyn Chong Reply

    Hi, just wanted to say I really know what you mean by complete indifference to the whole situation.. and the problem is, you get used to this and you think that everything’s fine, the husband doesn’t demand sex from you, and you don’t realize that the whole situation is terribly wrong – how did we get to the stage where the husband has to DEMAND sex? and why am I happy that he doesn’t, when it really means he doesnt want me anymore? I think I’ll go for that guide.

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    • marriage

      marriage Reply

      Dear Evelyn,

      Realizing that something’s wrong is the first and crucial step. I hope the guide helps, and you’re welcome to write to me again if you need anything else, and I’ll answer you by e-mail.

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      • Nike Reply

        Dear Dr. Evelyn, I love your site, I have tried to register but no luck,what do I have to click and where. I have put my email above, I need to talk to you.

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        • marriage

          marriage Reply

          Dear Nike,

          There’s no need to register. You will receive an e-mail, and you’re welcome to tell me about your problem.

          Best Regards,
          Renata

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  11. Carrie Dingler Reply

    I love “Fix Your Sexless Marriage” actually. Bought it for fun, I admit, because our sex life is fine, to see if I can learn something new, or for future problems..:) learned quite a lot.

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  12. Rebecca Mcgrew Reply

    I think it’s natural for the passion to cool off a bit over time, but if two people really love each other they’ll make it work. good article.

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  13. Amy Reply

    First of all there is no way our marriage can ever be fixed. Because we hadn’t had sex in 40 plus years. The last time was on our wedding night. That was the first and last time. After the I DO’s were done that was it, he refused to go on our honey moon. He told me to go by myself. I had payed for the honey moon and he refused to go, I lost all that money. I then was informed he was going back to work and start working the midnight shift, plus in the weeks that followed he moved all his things down to the basement and he’s still down there as far away from me as he could be. When first married I screamed this is not how a marriage should be. He just said deal with it and that there isn’t going to be any more sex, love intimacy thats over. He explained he had sex once and it wasn’t for him, he thought it wasn’t worth the effort, not exciting just stupid and disgustingly messy. I wanted a family kids, love, fun and togetherness. I was young , lived a new state and city, knew no one and didn’t have a job. I was so hurt, confused, lonely, depressed and hated the man I married. By the time I sorted myself out I was 20 years into the marriage, so I just stayed in the same house and lived like apartment dewellers.

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    • marriage

      marriage Reply

      Dear Amy,

      Not every marriage is worth fixing. Actually, I wrote an article on the subject about two weeks ago. Would you care to read it? 40 years are indeed quite a period of time. I will not pretend to understand how hard it is for you, but I would still recommend you to not to waste any more of your time and to dwell in another apartment. It’s quite a decision to make, after all this time, but better late than never.

      Good luck.

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  14. Alessandra Reply

    Most couples lose the spark, unfortunately.

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  15. Divorced Kat Reply

    I wish it were this easy. I faced a cold and sometimes angry reception from my now ex husband at the suggestion of sex. We did everything we could including couple and individual counseling but ultimately we divorced due to the complete absence of sex.

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    • marriage

      marriage Reply

      No, it’s never easy, especially when your husband reacts like that. You did everything you could, then, but sometimes, it doesn’t depend on us. I hope you find someone who will make you happy!

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