divorce

Saving Your Marriage

During the course of my work, I receive copious mails from men and women, requesting my advice regarding their marriages. Some complain about an unfaithful husband or wife, others say their partners don’t care for sex anymore. Naturally, all of them feel bad and want to solve their issues. Surprisingly enough, no matter how bad the situation is, none of them mentions the possibility of a divorce.

In some cases, when it seems that a relationship is beyond repair, I carefully offer to consider the possibility of a separation. In some cases, I talk about a trial separation. Sometimes, about a divorce. And the reactions I get are amazing. One woman actually thanked me for saying what she was afraid to think about. Another wrote that the marriage advisor she was seeing insisted that to solve their problems, she and her husband must stay together, and said my answer was refreshing to hear. It seemed as though they were waiting for someone to tell them what they were afraid to think about themselves.

Not all couples make it through. Some marriages inevitably fail, and no one knows better than you whether yours is worth saving. Eventually, it’s all about whether you feel good in this relationship, but as time passes, many tend to forget what that means.

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Surviving Infidelity

A spouse’s infidelity is one of the most painful experiences ever. Unfortunately, more than 50% of all spouses are victims of unfaithfulness, which means that one spouse in most marriages will suffer the greatest pain possible at some time

It will take more than an article – or even a mountain of books – to discuss the task of surviving infidelity, or to cover even a small part of the issues that arise from this painful situation. But we need something to begin with. This article was written both for those who suffered an affair and those who have or had an affair themselves.

Most people cannot imagine having a normal marriage after an affair. After discovering that their spouse was unfaithful, the first reaction of most people is to get a divorce (or kill their spouse, more like).

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Trial Separation

I personally knew a couple that was about to get married after four years together. But shortly before the wedding, the girl suddenly panicked. Her fiancé was her first man, and she was afraid that she haven’t experienced enough in life and won’t be able to fully commit herself to one man. Their relationship started to deteriorate and not wanting to lose her, the boyfriend, (not the girl!) offered a timeout. They agreed on a separation period. Today, they’re happily married.

A trial separation is not an easy experience and a hard decision to make, but it helped some couples to save their marriage. If your relationship is in trouble, then this is an option that you and your partner should consider, whether you’re married or just in a relationship.

A trial separation gives both partners some time and space to think about their marital issues without the constant stress and fighting at home. However, many are afraid that a trial separation might finally draw them apart. Some think that when their partner offers a trial separation, he/she is just looking for an excuse to get away but is too afraid to ask for a divorce. And indeed, it might so happen that during the separation period, one of the partners or both may realize that divorce is the right thing to do and what’s more, they may appreciate the freedom and see that divorce isn’t as frightening as it seemed before the separation.

There are, of course, some cons in a trial separation that you should consider. Children might find it hard to cope with their parents’ separation. The kids’ reaction might add to the already existing strain, so you and your spouse should decide how to break the news to them together, in the most considerate way possible.

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Happy Marriage Principles

Being into marriage counseling, I cannot avoid reading relevant material when browsing the net. There’s quite a lot of marriage tips out there, coming in articles, books and forum discussions, and while some of this material may be fairly reasonable, most just doesn’t do the trick. Many of those tips are too general, and fast solutions, just like fast food, may look well but won’t do us no good. Recently, I stumbled upon some very favorable reviews of a book called “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. The author of the book is Dr. John Gottman of Gottman Institute, who, after years of careful relationship research, decided to share his findings with the public. I admit I was interested by the enthusiastic reviews, and since the book wasn’t at all expensive, I decided to see what is was worth.

The first thing that impressed me was that, as I already said, it was based on serious research, mainly an experiment that involved observing the interaction of many couples. The purpose of this experiment was to understand what makes a long-lasting marriage and how can one predict a divorce by checking how partners treated each other. Well, it turns out that we can learn what you shouldn’t say in an argument with your spouse, what behavior might cause a divorce and how to make up. The book is a practical, down to earth guide that every marriage, even a happy one, can benefit from.

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