Many would, at point or another, have considered the possibility that their spouse no longer loves them. He or she is no longer as loving, caring and attentive as they used to be, never initiates sex and though he/she claims that everything is fine, the other side often feel ignored and can only think of one reason for the change: My husband/wife doesn’t love me anymore. And then comes this unbelievable “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”, and you feel as if your life was over.
To be sure, that’s exactly what happens in many marriages. Routine is the biggest enemy of every relationship. After many years together, we get used to our spouse and our feelings change. Many cannot accept this change and feel depressed. For some, it is harder to accept the fact that their feelings for their spouse have changed than to know that their spouse doesn’t love them. Others adjust themselves to what is now “the new normal” state of affairs, that is, less sex and affection, and never notice that their partner is becoming more and more distant until it’s too late. Why, many couples enjoy a fairly stable, affair-less and affection-less marriage, quietly falling apart without even noticing it.
Let’s make something clear: If your partner doesn’t have an affair, it still doesn’t mean everything’s great. Imagine a couple that lived together 12 years without sex. Committed they may be, but is this what we call a healthy marriage? Many feel shocked when discovering that their spouse leads an affair (sexual or emotional), and seek counseling, but In this case, as in many others, sexual infidelity is strongly overrated. Not that it should be ignored, but it is often a symptom for one of the spouses being profoundly unhappy in marriage. In other words, the above mentioned spouse should have considered counseling much earlier, and the couple may have spared themselves much emotional pain.
How can you tell that your spouse is actually unhappy? Look for the symptoms. Do you feel as if your partner initiates fights, and it looks like he or she is looking for reasons to lash out at you even if you have done nothing wrong? Keeps finding reasons to spend time away from you? Often depressed or annoyed? Deteriorating sex life can be both a symptom and a reason for the situation, so if this is the case, ask yourself what was there first: that, or your spouse’s bad moods.
All of the above doesn’t mean that your spouse actually doesn’t love you. More likely, he /she is tired of the routine, the responsibilities and the never changing everyday shores and tasks, or simply experiencing a midlife crisis.
I’m not a big fan of “powerful techniques that will make him/her fall in love with you again”. If one of the spouses doesn’t really wants this marriage, it may eventually fall apart no matter the techniques and magical strategies. But if your spouse doesn’t talk about divorce, he/she is probably still wants this marriage, which means you definitely got a chance to fix it.
For a start, put yourself in your spouse’s position. What would you like? Would you like “to work on your relationship”, “talk about it” and “solve our issues”? Or, maybe, you’d prefer some space, an opportunity to put all the issues aside for a while? For some, it could be a long vacation. Others may need a more profound change in life, such as a career change. If you think you know what your spouse would like to change in his/her life, consider offering him/her that.
A relaxed atmosphere at home is extremely important. Resist the temptation to constantly ask your spouse what’s wrong, propose to “talk about it”, talk in an apologizing tone or generally tread on eggshells around your spouse. That is not to say that you should act indifferently or pretend you don’t see your spouse’s bad mood or care about it. Believe it or not, your attitude and behavior have an influence, even if your spouse is not aware of it, and it better be a calm and reassuring one. Find a not-too-clingy way to express your support and understanding, You may not feel like it at all, thinking that you are the one who is ought to be comforted at the present, but your spouse is probably troubled with his/her emotional state as much as you are. So even though it’s natural to feel offended and angry, try to find the inner strength to feel compassion for your spouse as well.
Live your life, and keep an eye on your spouse. If you don’t see a positive change in his/her emotional state, consider asking your spouse to go to counseling. Those who don’t like the idea of confiding to a stranger can go with guides or virtual counseling. Above all, give each other love and space. Both work miracles.