Marriage does not necessarily kill the spark in your sex life. The happiest couple I know has been married for thirty years, and not only they still have great sex, but they also kiss in public. As for statistics, an American nationally representative survey found that married couples have more sex and enjoy it more.
However, most studies find that the frequency of marital sex declines sharply during the first year of marriage, with a slow but steady decline thereafter. Let’s see some numbers from the survey: 13% of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 46% reported a few times per month, 34% reported 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported 4 or more times per week. About 15% of couples in the U.S. alone live in a sexless relationship, that is, when sexual activity occurs ten times or less in a year. A sexless marriage is more likely to end in divorce, or what’s worse, in complete indifference for the situation. You’ll be surprised how many couples “survive” without sex, claiming that “sex isn’t what matters in marriage”. And while such marriage may last many years, thus earning the coveted title “a stable marriage”, such couples miss quite a lot.
Sexual intimacy is one of the most important things that binds partners together. It makes us feel attractive and loved, emotionally closer to our beloved person, relieves stress and ensures a good night sleep.
There are quite a few reasons why your husband/wife doesn’t want sex anymore, and I’ll only mention the most common: Fatigue, boredom resulting from routine sex practices or when your partner’s body no longer excites you as it used to do, one of the partners (or both, mind) is gaining weight, emotional problems between the two of you, unresolved differences in attitude toward sex, a medical condition or a past affair led by one of the partners. Age may also be a factor, but many couples in their late 70’s continue to have regular sex, leaving much younger competitors behind.
Fixing a Sexless Marriage
Sex is the most delicate marital issue of them all. Each couple has its problems that may seem unique and difficult to solve, and every suggestion might trigger a bitter “easy for you to say”.
It’s definitely not easy, but since you’re reading this article, you probably want me to suggest some solutions, so here we go.
Rekindling the passion is more than possible. Exercising to be fit and feel good about your looks won’t hurt anyone. Neither will romantic dating, candles, wine and all. But there’s more to it than that, doesn’t it.
To do that, the previously mentioned happy husband says, the first thing you should do is empty your head of all the love movies you’ve ever seen. Marital sex-life as depicted there is mostly fiction. Just for example, scheduled sex is not a joke. It’s FINE, and some say, extremely arousing. And if you miss the old spontaneity in your sex life, think how much spontaneity you need to schedule sex without being embarrassed.
So, the first lesson is: Don’t hesitate to suggest sex to your partner. Just say you really want him/her right now, pretty please. A hug, a smile, or any other natural sign of affection won’t be bad either. Anxiety and thoughts like what-if-he/she-doesn’t-love-me-anymore-or/and-having-an-affair won’t help. It’s hard, but try not to let those fears affect your relationship, because it will only add to the stress. He/she probably still loves you, by the way.
You shouldn’t fall into the second extreme and become indifferent to the whole situation. Neither should you expect things to fix themselves. Affection and Being Natural are going to be your keywords for a while.
When in bed together, try new things. Even if it feels awkward at first. Propose some new way to make love or just surprise your partner.
Sex is not supposed to be an obligation. Don’t force yourself to have sex when you’re tired “because we haven’t done it for a while”. Better wait another day, but stay awake in the process, and enjoy yourself more.
Get some help if you feel you’d like some moral support. A sound advice won’t do no harm. If you don’t like the idea of marriage counseling, look for virtual help on the web. Good luck!